Melting the Ice...

Melting the frozen ice, hardened by years of cold and lifeless, that pretty tough. But life has other plans for me..

4 years has passed and I still won't look back at it as it seems like an episode that I wouldn't want to go back to until lately. A friend of mine posted something in her FB account a music video about moving on after breaking up. And here I am, watching it in a cafe and tears started falling! I was like, freak!, I don't cry! and I won't cry! I though that it was just an episode of me being melodramatic but a week after that, I was supposed to meet a friend at the mall, so I rushed to the mall and I was asked to wait as he's still with his girlfriend. Then it just hit me right to the bone; here he is after all that they've been through with their relationship, they are still going strong even with the tough challenges against them even to the point of them being separated as he's working overseas. I was shaken to the bone that I made a lame excuse of me going home as I'm not feeling well and then I stayed in my room the whole day thinking about my relationship and why it ended. I only felt remorse and guilt for not being able to save it and protect my girlfriend at that time from getting hurt.

When we broke up, it was a mutual decision though as we could not see each other face to face, it has to be done via the world-wide-web. After that, it just felt sooo empty but I still kept a solid front and a happy  face though deep-down inside, everything's gone awry. I lived life and went through the daily grind of me finding a job and hiding in a front that I still have a girlfriend though in reality, I have none. I kept it for quite sometime until a friend of mine decided to pop a question about me and my girlfriend's status. I was caught red-handed and I have no choice but to come clean and told her that we ended our relationship already. She's the only one who knows about it, even my family never know about it as I kept it for myself. I thought that that'll be last time that I'll be asked about me and my girlfriend's status until my ate asked me to explain why as she chatted with her online and I was left with no choice but to admit that we broke up. She just kept quite about it as I did not elaborate further why and I thanked God for her sensitivity as she did not asked me other questions but just encouraged me and said, "it's okay... I'm just here if you're ready to talk." But I never took that opportunity to talk about it, instead I took the cowardly way and just kept it to myself.

4 years have passed and I'm always flinching whenever a my family would ask me about it and would always prod me to get married and settle down as I'm not getting any younger. I would always cover it with jokes and small talks and then divert the discussion into something else and I have been so successful with it. Even with the people in the office, I would always keep a front that I am happy and care-free and and that I still have a relationship though in reality, I don't have one at all. Guess, it just made it easier for me to build a wall for me not to be vulnerable again until lately.

I really do not know what really pushed me to come clean but God has a different way of dealing with thing which might come to us differently. I have been keeping my Facebook status as In A Relationsip for quite some time now and then changed it "In an Open Relationship". Until lately, I have seen a lot of people going in and out of relationships; the hardships, the joys and the tears that they would go through and yet they still will go on and find one or fight to keep one. It finally hit me hard, like a hot water over my cold self, when our church pastor preached about taking risks and walking in faith and ending the sermon with a quote: "If you've never failed, then you've never lived." I kept thinking about that for like a week and then I said I'm going to come clean and changed my status to "Single" which in reality, I am. I thought that it would be nothing and I am not surprised that some of my friends are suspicious about that change and won't believe that I am. I know I have been so good in keeping up facades but coming out clean would be termed weird or like doing what others are doing just to get some comments to spice things up. So I commented as well and made a concise statement of my real status was but it was taken as a joke. I was supposed to update it and spill all the beans but i dunno why, I cannot update my status with the 1000+ characters that I wrote using my phone that I totally lost that update already. I was supposed to update my status here in the cafe but then I changed my mind and I decided to just let it be.

Here's the music video that started it all up! It's in a girl's point of view and listening to it made me feel like a heel for making my girlfriend feel like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm5DHKI8o5o

Listening to it over and over again, I know it is kinda cheesy, it dawned on me that I have to let go and move on with life. It still hurts a lot knowing that I hurt somebody and I wasn't able to do something to prevent that from happening. I hate myself for not able to save that relationship and along the way, I hurt somebody I love the most. But looking back at it, it actually made me look at things in a new perspective and look at life not in a methodical or analytical way, but in a way that God would want me to deal with it day after day.